I've never been very lucky in love. I've had a myriad of relationships, but the vast majority lasted barely more than a few weeks, or months, at best. My most recent break up was, well... bizarre, to say the least. Since he and I never spoke, and I could never get a hold of him, I never really told him it was over, but he knew anyway. Weird, I know, but I guess whatever works. There isn't really any hurt feelings, or anger. Its just over, and we're both fine with it. It was definitely better than some I've had. Oh the stories I could tell... But it is safe to say that years passing, two heart breaks and loves lost later, I'm a different woman. Now, when I say here that my heart is hardened, I do not mean I don't love. I love my friends, my mom, my grandmother... But its been quite some time since I felt the thrill and tingle of real love. Years, even. To be honest, I thought for a long time that I was so scarred by some of what I'd been through that I just was incapable of letting someone in that far, and I was not capable of falling in love. It was a depressing thought, and honestly one that plagued me for some time. Recently though, I've been feeling better as a whole. Even with my health, financial, and medical issues, as a person I feel more confident and secure. For the first time, I felt that small thrill ignite a spark in me, and tiny though it was, it was there. It quickly was smothered by some set backs, but its back again, stronger this time. With its presence, I have felt something I had not dared to feel in a very long time. Hope. Hope is a dangerous thing. Every time I feel hope, I run the risk of getting hurt, of feeling pain. Due to my experiences, the idea of getting close enough to someone that they can hurt me is terrifying. I'm a little naive though, in the aspect that despite this overwhelming terror, I keep trying. I think I'd rather risk getting hurt, than risk losing potential happiness. I'm not jumping the gun here, or anything... but the potential for something is definitely there, and I won't risk losing it. Not this time.
As I said in an earlier blog, I recently took a trip down to Florida. I've never been before, and it was the first time in 20 years that I've seen the beach. The trip was short, but I would never dream of complaining. I enjoyed myself, and I want to go again in the future. I really liked how he put it when he was asked what it was all about. "It was a very long first date." All I can say is I hope there are more dates to come.