Eyesight and Marfans, broken hearts

So I went to an eye appointment yesterday, just a normal routine check up. My prescription got worse (as always) and I still wonder if I'm just going to keep slowly going blind. I asked once, and they said I wouldn't go blind, I would just see less and less clearly. Well, gee... isn't that kinda the same thing? I already can't see anything past a couple inches without contacts or glasses, and how long til contacts won't do the trick?

Oh well, anyway. My eye doctor was asking me questions and the subject of my hypermobility came up, and what kind I had. I mentioned that they were going to be testing me for Marfans and EDS, so he decided to look at the lenses in my eyes closer to see if they had a defect in them that often accompanies Marfans. I don't, so that means its that much less likely that I have Marfans. I thought it was nice of him to check that for me. So when I go in for my testing, its that much more knowledge I'll be armed with.

He also told me that it could effect my heart, and given that I do have a heart problem, its likely that the two things are related...

Speaking of broken hearts.

Blew up at my ex today. Called him a coward and such things... I had written him an email a few nights ago. I haven't been sleeping well. Half asleep and with thoughts reeling through my head, I decided to try and resolve some of my lingering questions. Well, he never replied. He even went so far as to message me a day or two later to just chit chat. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I did cry. I just wanted to reach out and shake him and demand to know why he wouldn't answer me. Then today I posted something on facebook and his reply was "Stop it!".  So I pulled up chat and asked him what I was supposed to stop. "Stop being self-deprecating."

It just steam rolled from there, to the point where he signed off. So I called him and left a voicemail. I knew he wasn't going to answer, why should he? He doesn't have to anymore, he's washed his hands of me. He doesn't understand why he's worth the trouble, and that IS the trouble. He thinks I'm better than him, so I deserve better. What he doesn't understand is that you can't measure love that way. I don't think you choose who you fall in love with, I think its just something you feel. How can he expect me to just push that away? I can't flip a switch and turn it off. Its not that easy.

This is the price I pay for opening up to someone.

What can I say?

If I could write a song or paint a picture...
What would I say, what would it show...
And would it matter at all?
The sound of lies, I should have recognized.
I should not twist this knife in my heart.
But what can I do, and what can I say?
When every beat reminds me of you.
It hurts how clearly I remember,
Your cologne on my skin.
Breathing quiet in the dark,
Just to better hear your heart.
And oh god, the sound of lies.


How dare you promise me forever, and then cast me aside.


Do I matter so little?