So this is why this whole little update series was titled "sea sick".
Normally when I date someone, I lose a bunch of casual guy friends in the process due to jealousy and "I only want in your pants not your friend's circle" syndrome. However, due to changes in my personal life, I've cut a lot of "casual" people out of it for some time now. I've pretty much decided that I have so much on my plate already that there isn't really room for people without my best interests at heart. Now Ray and I never had a talk about how we're a couple, or anything like that... we just are. I don't really need him to say "be my girlfriend", when its pretty obvious I already am. But regardless, I was kind of lazy about updating my facebook, since I really don't care much about it anyway. But when I finally did, one of my "friends" later updated a photo of an empty bottle of liquor and was talking online about getting trashed. This particular friend, we'll call him Emo Boy (ridiculously appropriate nickname mind you), has a bad history with his family and ex girlfriend, AKA the mother of his child. So, being a good friend, I tried to talk to him to see what had happened THIS time and see if I couldn't bring him up out of his funk. Instead of talking to me, he just shut me out, ignored me, deleted me on facebook, and was altogether acting like an ass. It took me two seconds to realize that his little binge drinking and QQ bullshit was because of me. Because I had a boyfriend.
He called me a liar and a "typical woman" when he finally did talk to me. I was furious. He called me a liar because when I met him MONTHS ago I had told him that I wasn't ready for a relationship just yet. Back then, it was true. I was pretty heart broken over Airman, and I just wasn't ready to try again just yet. But I started going out weeks ago and even told him as much in case he was still interested, and not once did he show interest in me. He never flirted with me, never asked me on a date, never said one word. What right does he have to be angry at me for dating someone else when he never said anything to me? Even our mutual friends admit they had no clue he liked me, and that more often than not he was either entirely dismissive of me or downright rude. Now, on top of this, when I was hospitalized he didn't even care, didn't come see me, didn't even wish me well. Also, who the fuck starts binge drinking over a girl they've never been on a date with, never kissed? Seriously how dramatic and retarded do you have to be? Needless to say I was pretty pissed off and it made me sick to my stomach that someone could be that stupid and cruel to me, and say such mean things because of their own mistakes. All I have to say is thank GOD he didn't hit on me, or that I didn't like him that way, because anyone who would get that emo, binge drink so easily, and throw such a tantrum like that is NOT someone I'd ever want to be cursed with dating. It cracks me up too because he used to make the joke all the time that women always told him that he'd be a perfect boyfriend, but that "nice guys finish last". Well newsflash Emo Boy, you're far from perfect anything, and you're definitely not a "nice guy".
On top of this, being in such an emotional state (this was a close friend, afterall) made me start to worry about my relationship with Ray. I AM sick, and I'll always be sick... and things between us may be good now, but will he stay? Part of me says, I hope so, but part of me feels this overwhelming sense of crazy guilt. I feel like I don't have the right to ask someone else to take part in my crazy life, and deal with my health issues the way a boyfriend would have to. And worse, I'm terrified to get close to someone when I never know if they'll leave me when my health falters... Its killing me, this being thrown from joy to fear and back again... I just want smooth sailing, just this once...