This isn't my life.
Thats how I feel, every day. This isn't what I was supposed to be doing at 23. I was supposed to be studying my ass off in college for that degree I so desperately wanted, for that career I dreamed of every night. This isn't my life. I don't know whose life it is, but its not mine. I don't recognize that tired, no, exhausted, person in the mirror, staring at me with empty eyes.
Where did my life go?
So far, I have, overall, handled my illness with "humor and grace" as I always say, laughing because I'm as far from graceful as can be.
Today I can do nothing but cry.
I had my follow-up appointment with the pulmonologist today, after being released from the hospital. (The whole, coughing blood, thing...) I'm still coughing, since DECEMBER. So long story short, did a breathing test, nebulizer, and another breathing test. Getting put on an inhaler and a nasal spray, and I need to get my allergy panel redone so they can start medicating me for my allergies. I was given four free samples of one of my medications, but the other was unavailable. So off I go, hobbling to retrieve my car and drive home. He had told me the other prescription ran about 80 dollars, so I called my mother at work to tell her how the appointment went. Then we hung up, and I just started crying.
80 dollars is a lot of money to me. In fact, its all I have left in my bank account. Its not enough to pay the utilities I owe my roommate, let alone next months rent... and forget groceries. I cried the whole way home, just everything hit me all at once.
I am never going to get better. There is no cure, no treatment, no nothing. I am only going to spend the rest of my life breaking the bank trying to survive, and my dreams of college and career? Gone. A person like me can't pursue that line of work. What am I even striving for, anymore? Just getting by? Thats not a life.
After I got home, I distracted myself with some cooking but it wasn't long before the phone rang. It was the pharmacy, letting me know my prescription was ready. My total? $132.
If I thought I was crying before, this was nothing. I still haven't stopped. I'm so lost, and I'm terrified of whats going to happen to me. I don't usually break down like this, I'm not the crying type... but I can't seem to find it in me to try and laugh this one off...
What kind of future could I possibly have?
Oh Kitten, I cannot imagine the frustration you are feeling right now, the grief for the life you want and deserve. I'm so sorry you must face this, and face it at such a young age. I will be thinking of you. Please remember the wonderful person you are in spite of how poorly life has treated you. Best to you at this difficult time.
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I understand your frustration at the situation. I sometimes wonder what is going on in my life, how did I arrive in this sorry state. Hugs to you. xxx
ReplyDeleteAlthough I have a different disease, I understand the pain and frustration you feel. I have more bad days than good, but ever so often a good day comes along. Sometimes it's only for a couple hours, but it will come. My thoughts are with you.
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